To start off this post, I’d like to say that I really wish I blogged more– and for those of you who keep up with this, I’m sure you do too. I really regret not blogging more while I was in Kenya. Sometimes I was too busy, but other times I definitely had the time, It’s just something that’s very difficult for me and I don’t really know why. I’d like to self-diagnose myself with writer’s anxiety (does that even exist?)… I think it started sometime after the age of 12… when writing assignments became more than just creative short-story writings and I had to really put my thoughts to words. At even the smallest assignment I would cringe and put it off until the very last minute and then sit staring at the computer. The funny thing was, as soon as I started typing, everything flowed out just fine and in no time I was finished. Yet every paper, paragraph, or essay still seemed daunting. Well, that’s how it is for me now with blogging. When the time comes to catch up I say, “Nah, I’ll do it another time”, or “I’m not in the mood”, or “I don’t know what to write”… and then I finally convince myself, get on my computer, try to distract myself with other things on said computer, slowly pull up my blog site, stare at the screen a bit, and then with whatever comes to mind (currently this) I start– and things usually begin to flow.
So now I’ve started and I can’t turn back. The problem is, I haven’t chosen a topic. I guess this might be another scattered post. Well, for starters, a week from today I’ll be home. Next Friday night (or early Saturday morning) I’ll be getting on a plane at 3am, and flying about 20 hours to L.A. When I made my flights, I (strangely) had a layover in L.A. so I asked the travel agent if it would be possible (and free) to extent the layover overnight and she said it was no problem. So Micah will pick me up Saturday morning and I’ll get to stay at Biola until Sunday afternoon/evening when I fly home. Again, such an unexpected blessing! So glad for even just a short 2 days with him before he gets home to Kauai at the end of May. And then Sunday at approximately 7:25pm I will be HOME. I have never so looked forward to being home…. I can’t even put into words how excited and ready I am to be back. It’s not at all that I don’t want to be here longer or haven’t been happy in where I’ve been the past months, it’s just that as the time draws closer I feel such a readiness and longing to finally be home.
It’s been such a full 7 and a half months, and I think I’ve only begun to start processing it all… Looking back on it, wow, there’s just so much. I don’t even know how to sum it up, how to share about all that I’ve learned, all that has happened, everything. I want to share so much when I get home, there is so much I never wrote about, so many stories to tell, so many inner-workings in my heart that I don’t know how to express. I’ll try my hardest when I get back though– writing just isn’t going to cut it! Wrote a bit out but decided I’d rather just share when I get back– Even though speaking in front of people is probably the thing in life I dread and fear most (other than toads), I feel that I can much better share my heart through that than writing. I’ve never been very good at it or confident in it, but I’m praying the Lord will give me words to say and clarity, boldness, and passion to do so. And maybe after some more reflection and preparation and thought on all of that, I’ll be able to write it all out more clearly too– to post here. So that’s that. God is so faithful– and that, more than anything else, is what I can see so clearly looking back through this time. Sure, there are a lot of hard things, a lot of questions, worries, wonderings… but the greatness of God, His love and power, the way He moves and works in everything, that is what I am overwhelmed with right now, that is what gives me Hope and strength and love to pour out each new day.
And now I’ll write about this last month in Thailand. Details. It’s gone by SO fast! The first week was pretty difficult. Everything whirling through my head after leaving Kenya, so much to process and think about, then add jet lag, and starting the day after I got in, full time care of the baby. It was a hard adjustment, and like I said before, being a mom is a lot of work. But it’s also such a joy! After a while, the stress of all the newness wore off and things became a little more routine. I got used to never getting a full nights rest and always feeling like I needed about 3 cups of coffee, I learned to multitask– holding Silaa and getting as in with the other kids as I possibly can, I learned (or am still learning) really how to not just care for a baby, but go through each day with a baby– getting other things done but still loving on her and caring for her… and I’ve really come to love her so much! I’ve been stretched beyond what I thought my limits of exhaustion were, and I’m finally “used to” or “adjusted to” being Silaa’s little mom right now. Of course, now that I’m “adjusted”, I’m leaving in a week. Always how things go… I guess it’ll be a good week!
There’s not really too much to write about other than caring for Silaa and all the lessons learned from that, but there are a few things for sure. After the first week there was a team coming to put on an English camp. I wasn’t really sure how that would be or what kind of team it was, what ages, etc, but oh, it was such a blessing! It was a YWAM DTS team from Kona and most of them were around my age and a little older. I realized after a few days that it was really the first time in a long time spending time with people from my culture in my age group again, having that fellowship with other believers, and it was so nice and needed. Made some great friends in only two weeks and had some fun adventures. Got to ride elephants with them, went to the beach a couple of times, went crabbing one night, and other little things (like getting completely soaked in the first (and second) rainstorm of this drought since I’ve been here). It was sad to see them go after the 2 weeks, but really such a blessing to have them here for that time. Reminded me of being here last year with our (super awesome) team. Leading the kids in worship, organizing games and crafts, they did a lot and were a huge blessing to everyone here. So cool how the Lord brought us all here at the same time and made all of those connections. His timing is always so perfect! Sometimes I can be pretty impatient and wish His timing were my timing, but I know He knows so much better than I do.
I’m so glad to be here right now. I’m so glad that the Lord led me to spend this month and a half here and that I’ve been able to be a part of raising up this little girl in this wonderful home. Constantly holding a baby, making bottles, feeding, changing diapers, changing sheets, cleaning spit up, and everything else can get pretty tiring and repetitive, but then I look at the bigger picture. This baby will one day be an adult, she will grow up in this home, surrounded by love, and I pray she will come to know and love the Lord deeply and serve Him with her life! I just have a small part of raising her, a month of her life, and even though it’s just little things right now, just physical care, “baby stuff”, I know it is all working towards a greater purpose. And I pray for her life each day as I hold her, each night as I wake up from my precious sleep to feed her. Caring for this baby is what the Lord has for me to do right now, and maybe I can’t see the Spiritual fruits of it yet, but I am thankful to serve in this way and I trust in the Lord’s purposes in it all.
Another thing in being here that I am so thankful for is Auntie Dorien and Uncle Mark! They’re truly amazing. They lead this home in such a Godly way, and these kids have more love than I believe they would have in any family with a real mom and dad. They have taught me so much and been so patient with me as I’ve learned. They work so hard and pour themselves out completely for Christ and for these children and it’s so encouraging to experience. This place is a haven, it’s a little light in such a dark place, it is (as it’s name means) a home of peace and happiness. It is the Lord’s and I believe He is greatly pleased and glorified by all that happens and will happen in the future here.
So, my time here is almost up and I’ll see you all very soon. I’m really excited to be back at church, part of such an amazing church-family, back in my home with such an amazing real-family, and back on Kauai! (For now, at least). Oh! Something I forgot to mention is that 4 days after getting home, I will be leaving again to spend 2 weeks in Korea… then finally home! My grandma decided she wanted to take me and my parents on a Korea tour/trip after I got home and I thought it sounded really cool– Didn’t realize it would be RIGHT after I got home, but oh well, still really excited! I might blog another time before coming home, but this may be the last post for a while… Maybe I’ll keep it going on Kauai, but I really don’t know.
Thank you all, whoever reads this, for supporting me, coming alongside me, and always lifting me up in prayer for these past 7(ish) months. I’m truly blessed by you all! Keep praying! I’m almost home. And even then, keep praying…. there’s still so much ahead.
SO MUCH LOVE,